September 27, 2015

Sweatpants, big t-shirt, same socks, brush teeth, wash face, say my goodnights, clean off my bed, take off all jewlery, get in bed, turn off the lights, unlock my phone, text, tumblr, instagram, write, look through old pictures, find sleep playlist, play a song. Try-not-to-think-so-much.

On good nights i’ll be in bed by 11 or 12. On bad nights I might not be able to fall asleep until 3 or 4am. And on really bad nights, i’m asleep by 9pm or 10ish.

I use Listerine some nights- but the taste reminds me of summer mornings with you. …I’ve got to remember to get a different flavor.

I used to be really good at flossing- but i’ve grown tired of spending too much time in front of the mirror at night.

I have a weird fear if I fall asleep too often with my mascara on, my eye lashes will fall off. …I’ve got to start washing my face more often again. 

Every night I take off my jewelry and reflect momentarily on how I did with each of my reminders that day.

Jewelry reminders:
Watch: Find the good in what...

September 25, 2015

I remember my parents used to always tell me the night before Christmas:
“the faster you fall asleep- the sooner Santa will come!”
And so I closed my eyes and tomorrow came.
But what I didn’t realize was every time I closed my eyes I was getting older and older.  

I remember still tasting his chapstick as I walked away from my first kiss. 
I don’t remember closing my eyes. 
But I think I remember knowing I was supposed to close them so I could feel something.

I remember my brother and I used burry our faces behind our hands in the dark movie theaters to hide from the scary scenes. 
And so we closed our eyes and all of the scary disappeared. 
But if you think about it… the scary is never actually gone.  

I remember telling you once, while I was away- 
“Everything reminds me of you…”
And you told me… “Just close your eyes.”
But what I didn’t tell you was that when I close my eyes… that’s when I remember you the most. 

I remember lying across from you, watching your eyes grow tired and your h...

September 24, 2015

I was living fast. My mind was running quick to the past and quick to the future. It was like looking out of a car window, allowing the passing cars- this time, the passing people with cigarettes and drinks in their hands be the escape- the kind of blur that allowed my mind to be anywhere but where I was. I was that fast. I was second- fastest. 

He was living fast. He was one of the fast ones. He was the fastest actually. You could tell in the way he smiled he was already thinking about his next move. But he was present, he was so damn present it took me days to figure out why the hours we spent meeting each other made our kisses feel like they held years of knowing him. 

I thought the night had already happened. I was standing outside against a tall planter giving my feet a break from being in heels all night. I was tired but my double take on him woke me up. He came out from around the corner with his sharp blue eyes, and red scruff. I always liked the idea of being with another red he...

September 20, 2015

I had gone to the doctors yesterday to check up on my symptoms. It was weird- they never happened at the same time. I had chest pains, but it felt scary good. And my mind got all dizzy sometimes. But that felt like a high I had never experienced before. And my hands- my hands sometimes.. they would ache and i would find myself clenching them, reaching for anything to hold tight. I hated that feeling. And my breaths. They were short. And it sometimes felt like I had stopped breathing all together for a good long second. 

Anyways- the doctors called with my results today. It had been a little over a year before things got bad enough to start asking questions. I thought maybe I was just forming an allergy to something.. but they told me it was serious. Water was now poison to me. It made no sense- I have always been fine around water.

I didn’t know how i would do it- how would I avoid water? My parents were worried. All they could think about was how i loved swimming in the ocean. And the t...

September 20, 2015

I’ll tell you the obvious first. I don’t like ice in my hot chocolate. The heat takes away from the chocolate- I can taste it better the colder the drink gets. But my dad uses it in his coffee. He used to be like me and drink coffee at room temperature. But something about the switch in the universe changed him too. He keeps flowers in the house now too. It scares me some nights- how often he brings them home. Even my mom likes those prickly things… This new universe feels dangerous- not that it was ever safe before… But I get confused. That was the obvious. We all get confused. 

My litter brother tells me they sell bags of ice now at the laundromat. Something about it tumbling around in the dryers keeps it from turning to gas. Apparently people are running through NY city with their bags of ice trying to get home before it breaks through the bag. I told him dad was buying flowers now. My brother was confused too.

I miss the old universe. I miss getting water for you and asking ice or no...

September 19, 2015

Her name was Karen. I don’t know why Karen- it sounds like an older name- anyways. Karen never liked new white converse but she was wearing them that day to the party. She liked the old shoes- the ones that had gone places, done things, the ones with stories in them. She liked stories- mysteries especially. But even more so- mysteries in people. (She sounds old for her age… a girl leaving for her first boy girl party. So forgive me if the age and story doesn’t align.) 

Tyler was his name. He was the kind of kid who never knew how to leave butterflies in girls stomachs. He was shy and a little alone most of the time. But he looked content by himself. He always wore these old ripped up boots, his same white shirt and messy jeans and -well, that was enough for Karen. That was everything actually. 

So her mom brought Karen to the front door. It was open. You could see through the sliding glass doors in the back-all of the kids going crazy in the bounce house and jumping in the pool. Nervous...

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